Being Thankful

Yes, it's been awhile. That's how the life of a SAHM is. Sometimes you have time for extraneous stuff like a blog, sometimes you don't. I've been inspired by some of my friends on Facebook to write about some of the things I'm thankful for in the spirit of the upcoming holiday. The end of November marks the end of what has been the most trying 12 months of my life thus far.

This past year started and ended with a death. I'm feeling it here, writing this, knowing that the end of November marks the one year anniversay of my miscarriage. I can't believe it's been a year. I remember it so very vividly, but perhaps it will always be that way. It may always be the saddest, hardest, lonliest experience of my life. The year ends with the death of one of our cats. It might seem silly in comparison, but we truly lost a family member just a few weeks ago. He was with us for 6 years. Avery is only 4. He is very much missed.

In between those two terrible events many other trying things happened. My best friend moved out of state. Money became woefully short. There were a LOT of family trials - with the three of us, with my side of the family, and with Rob's side of the family. Those are just a few of what seems like one crappy event after the next over the last 12 months.

So many things have happened to make me NOT thankful, that I thought I should instead focus on some things that I AM thankful for. Here's to focusing on the positive!

• Friends. Because sometimes you need another woman to help you realize you're not really insane. I've been fortunate enough in my life to have some amazing friends and this year I've even made some new friends that have become very dear to me. I am particularly grateful to Sarah Cape and Tammy Chabotte for never wavering in their support of me. You girls are rock and my life would not be the same without the two of you.
• Good food! This year I began buying a weekly box of organic produce from a Dahlonega-based business called Organics2u. Every Friday I go pick up a monster box of organic fruit and veg for a crazy good price. It is beautiful produce and helps me to feel I'm feeding my family the best food I can while supporting something I believe in whole-heartedly. The absolute icing on the cake is that I've become friends with the couple that runs the business out of their home, Alex and Paige, and Avery plays with their son every Friday for hours on end. I always thoroughly enjoy spending time with Paige and always feel welcome in their home.
• Gwinnett Area Mommies. This great non-profit organization helped me to meet some of the awesome women I'm now priveleged call friends. If you live in Gwinnett, Hall, Walton, or Barrow county in Georgia then check them out. If you live out of the area you can check out The Mommies Network to see if there's a group local to you. Outstanding support for mother and regular playdates to boot.
• My husband. If Rob and I can make it through the last year then we can make it through anything. He's a great husband and an amazing father who always makes time for Avery. The two of them are so silly together. I love to watch the two of them and am so thankful that they have such a great bond.
• My huge garden tub. Need I say more?
• Music. Nothing gets you through tough times like music. One of my favorite quotes is "where words fail, music speaks". I love it when I discover new music (at least music that is new to me) that brings me joy or moves me in some way. I love all kinds of music but my absolute favorite is Sarah McLachlan. I finally got to see a solo show of hers a few months ago at Chastain. 10th row center. Best. Concert. Ever.
• My parents. I've never been more grateful that we moved close to them than I have in the past year. Always there for me, always supportive. With each passing year it becomes clearer that moving back to Georgia and being close to them was the right decision for us.
• YNAB. That stands for You Need A Budget, my budgeting software. If it wasn't for YNAB then we would have been screwed when August arrived with a slew of unexpected expenses. I've been using it for 3 years and recommend it to anyone looking to start using a budget. It's the reason we were able to buy our house.
• My husband's job. In this economy he's very lucky to have one and it's amazing that he has one that allows me to stay home with Avery. The fact that we own our own home, two cars, pay our bills on time and always have food on our table is definitely something to be thankful for.
• My baby. My sweet sweet Avery Danae. She is turning into an amazing little person who is kind, caring, empathetic, sweet, funny, smart, lovely, and a million more adjectives. She makes all the bad things fade away into the background.

These are just a few of the things I'm thankful for over the last year. I'm not sure the year had more good than bad, but there were definitely some good moment and maybe even some great moments. Sometimes things have to be torn down in order for you to get back to what's important in life. It's allowed us to work on things that needed our attention and we're a better and closer family for it.

Now, here's hoping next year will be a little less eventful!

Pantry Perfect

The last few weeks the Essley family has been somewhat overcome with unexpected financial burdens. The biggest issue being that one of our cats got sick. After nearly two weeks at the vet we walked out of there over $1000 poorer. During that time we went on vacation (which was mostly free to us, thankfully) to Florida only to return to a bill from the IRS saying we made a mistake on our 2008 taxes and we owe them $500. By September 15th. Not to mention my car is in desperate need of tires. So, we're a bit broke. Not that we'll be choosing which bills to pay like so many Americans these days, but things will be pretty tight through the end of the year. So we've been looking at our budget trying to figure out where we can cut some dollars. By far, out biggest monthly expense (sometimes even bigger than our mortgage) is our food budget. We spend a small fortune on food every month. Is pretty ridiculous, actually. I usually justify it by saying we eat a mostly organic diet, so this means we have to pay more money for everything. Yeah, not so much. Not that organics don't cost more, because they do, but the way we go about things is all wrong. For a family that recycles everything under the sun and claims to care about the environment and eats food that is good for our bodies as well as our earth we waste a shocking amount of food. It's embarrassing, really. We throw out a ton of stuff. I make a menu and then might decide come Wednesday that I don't want to make chicken for the four millionth time, I want to make some complicated middle-eastern dish that requires forty-three spices I don't yet own, and so there I go back to the store yet again. So we've decided to eat mostly from our pantry for all of this week and possibly next week. Then we're officially "cutting back" for at least the next month, if not the next several months.

Hello, rice and beans. How have you been, tucked back in the darkest corner of my pantry for so long? Well rested, are you? Well, you're about to become very famous in our house.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did go to Publix on Sunday when we got back from Florida and bought some milk, grapes for Avery, half and half, toilet paper, chicken stock, and coffee. So here's what our menu has looked like thus far:

Monday: Brown rice and cheese enchiladas. I made homemade enchilada sauce and we had corn tortillas in the fridge. I made a huge batch of brown rice (short-grain brown rice is the BEST and so so tasty!) with the chicken stock and chopped up some of the sliced jack cheese we brought back from vacation. Seasoned with chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, s&p, and ground coriander. It came out surprisingly delicious. Rob made the comment "that was great! It's probably all downhill from here, right?!" Hmmm.

Tuesday: Chicken and rice balls and salad. I got this rice ball recipe from Deceptively Delicious. I picked up this cookbook at Kohls for $5 a few weeks ago and it's become my new best friend. I've got a freezer full of pureed veggies that I've been adding to all sorts of things. Come to think of it, I added some pureed yellow squash to my enchiladas on Monday. I used more of the huge batch of rice I made Monday and some cooked ground chicken I had the forethought to freeze before our trip. It also included more of my leftover jack cheese and some pureed sweet potatoes. It called for the balls to be rolled in whole-wheat cracker crumbs which I didn't have, so I used panko mixed with flax seed meal. Again, delicious! The bag of organic salad greens was another thing leftover from vacation. I'm SO glad we decided to bring every leftover food item back with us!

Wednesday: I finished the rest of my rice for lunch and found myself wondering what the hell I was going to come up with for dinner. I have frozen ground turkey and frozen chicken thighs. I have more rice I can make but at this point all I'm left with is either white rice, which I'm trying to avoid, or boil-in-bag brown, which isn't terrible, but it's not the super-tasty short-grain brown I've been eating all week. It's got more of a carboard-esque flavor to it I'm not in the mood for. So I decided to make some flax bread in my bread machine and use the turkey to make patty melts. I also took several onions and spent nearly two hours caramelizing them. I have to say, those were the most amazing onions I've ever had! Sticky sweet, almost like candy and served on top of the melts. Served with a side of sauteed squash, amazingly leftover from my last organic box nearly two weeks ago (say what you will about organic produce being overpriced, the pesticide coated stuff at the grocery store wouldn't have lasted a week in my fridge much less the 12 days it's been) and again, delicious! I couldn't help but pat myself on the back. I was hitting these impromptu, somewhat made-up dinners out of the park!

I have to admit, guiltily, that I stopped by the store on the way home from Avery's gymnastics class. I bought carrots and celery and more creamer for Rob (the coffee addict). I also bought some Edy's fruit bars. No, they're not a 'basic necessity', but I needed them for my sanity. I swear. I find myself yearning for Friday to get here so I can go pick up my organic produce box and have some good, fresh fruit and veggies to cook with.

Thursday: I wake up trying to figure out again what I'm going to do for dinner. At this point my options are running out. I'm low on chicken stock and completely out of olive oil. Looks like it might truly be rice and canned beans. I then glance in my pantry and realize I have cans and cans of "soup beans" I picked up at Whole Foods months and months ago. I used to buy these in Colorado regularly and I made a really tasty veggie soup with them. I'm trying to ignore the fact that it's supposed to be 90 degrees outside today and get excited for soup, served with leftover flax bread, toasted and rubbed with garlic and sprinkled with s&p. Just carrots, celery and multi-bean soup isn't sounding all that filling. I'm also wondering just how much chicken stock I have left to actually make soup with. Otherwise I'm looking at bean water for dinner. Turns out I have just enough chicken stock. I also added some leftover caramelized onions and a little tomato paste. It wasn't too bad, though I've made it tastier before.

Friday: It's produce day!! I'm so excited I can barely stand it. I pick up my organic produce box every Friday and I'm jonesing for some fresh fruit and veggies. I get my produce from Organics2u on the outskirts of Dahlonega. It's about a 40 minute drive for me every Friday but SO worth it. I've also been lucky enough to become friends with the wonderful couple that provide this awesome service, Alex and Paige. Avery also loves to play with their 3 year old son so we end up spending an hour or two every Friday playing and chatting and even occasionally helping Paige put together the boxes. Avery and I really look forward to Fridays.

The box is gorgeous this week. Of course, it could just be that I haven't seen my beloved produce box in two weeks due to our vacation, but really, it's beautiful. Bananas, apples, oranges, oh my. I'm absolutely craving fresh fruit. I get home and I'm really tired. I stayed up until 1:30 reading an awesome book, but I'm feeling every bit of the sleep I didn't get. I do not feel like cooking. Rob and I are very very tempted to order pizza. Easy, delivered right to our door. We decide pretty quickly that we don't want to do that so we decide Friday will be "forage" day. Basically, it's fend for yourself night. Avery is stoked because this means she gets a cheese quesadilla, her current favorite meal. I decide to have an apple dipped in crunchy peanut butter and a little later I ended up fixing myself a bowl of steel-cut oatmeal.

Overall, the week was pretty successful. We still have quite a few pantry staples left and I didn't even have to break into the beans yet! I do need to do some restocking: I need olive oil, bread flour, chicken stock. This coming week will come with it's own unique set of challenges. I rejoined Weight Watchers online Saturday so now I have to stay within my points. This will be especially challenging since I will basically have to spend hours entering in specific recipes to figure out their point value. We no longer eat very many processed, convenience foods (and I'm really not spending money on those luxuries right now) which are very easy to figure in the point department so it will be somewhat challenging using mostly fresh foods. I'm even doing something I usually never do - I'm scouring the weekly ads for all three major grocery stores to try to get the best price. While it means I'll have to go to two different stores this week (one has absolutely nothing I want) I think it's worth it.

I have to say, I'm loving all the lessons I've been learning this week. It's only money, but once you become used to having it all the time it becomes a little insidious. You get really angry and irritable when you actually have to watch what you spend. In this process we're figuring out that it feels good not to be wasteful and it's helped us do something that is really really important to me, something I don't think near enough people do - practice what we preach.

Wednesday with Avery

*This is a transcript of actual events

I'm sitting at the kitchen table typing out a message on my laptop. I can hear Avery somewhere close by but I can't see her. She's talking to herself or her imaginary friend, I can't tell which.

Me: Av? What are you doing?

Avery: Pooping.

Me: Oh. Are you done?

Avery: Yes.

Me: Do you need some help?

Avery: Yes.

Me: Why didn't you call me?

Avery: (sounding very exasperated, like maybe she's rolling her eyes at me) Mommy! Because I thought you'd hear it!

Me: (now walking into the bathroom) How would I hear it?

Avery: Because it went SPLASH!

Me: Nice.

Avery: I bet it's big.

Me: You are your father's daughter.


Ahhhh. The joys of motherhood.

How We Met...

Unbelievably, today is the ten year anniversary of the day Rob and I met. I can't believe it's been ten years! Sometimes it seems like a really long ten years, sometimes it feels like it's flown by. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, this anniversary of ours. We've had kind of rough year. Most of it is too personal to talk about in a public blog, but let's just say we've been tested in numerous ways over the last year and we've pulled through. He's the best friend I've ever had. Nobody knows me like Rob does and he continues to put up with me after all this time, and vice versa. I can't imagine my life without him, despite wanting to throttle him from time to time.....to time.

So here's the story of how we met.

On Tuesday, July 18, 2000 I went to work in Lithia Springs like any other day. There was a newer girl at work who sat right by me. She'd been there maybe a month. I liked her - she was a little younger than me, a lot more irresponsible, a touch crazy, and a lot of fun. Her name? Rachel Essley. Before her first day of work I was talking to the woman who trained newbies and we were commenting on how unusual her last name was and the fact that she was from Wyoming. Her training complete, she was placed in close proximity to me and we got along well.

From the start she continually commented on how much her brother would like me. Um, no thanks. I was 23 at the time and had had my share of blind dates/creepy dates/crappy men/guy friends who wanted more, etc. and I had pretty much given up on finding myself a good boyfriend. I had thought myself desperately in love with a guy when I was 20-21 and living in Stone Mountain and pretty much every other male paled in comparison. I wasn't interested. I was tired of the game of dating and didn't care to play anymore, at least for awhile. On this particular Tuesday, I overheard Rachel on the phone with someone. She was saying how she was having a bunch of people over after work, including me. Me? I looked over at her and she just smiled and continued her conversation. When she hung up she explained how she was having a bunch of friends over and she wanted me to come over. Tuesdays I got off work at 5 so I buzzed home, changed clothes, freshened up and headed over to Rachel's. When I arrived, guess who was standing in the doorway behind her with a big grin on his face? I immediately blushed, fully knowing this was going to happen.

And so we talked. He was nice - kind, cute, very talkative. Several other people showed up and we somehow all ended up back at my apartment hanging out. It became clear that this whole thing was orchestrated so that Rob and I would meet so shortly thereafter everyone else left. We spent the entire evening talking and getting to know each other. He even took my trash out for me (as he reminded me this morning) and when I drove him home around 11:30 that night he was a perfect gentleman.

We spent the next day talking more than I though humanly possible on the phone and had our first official date the day after that. Again, we talked and talked and talked. We went out to dinner and then spent probably 3 hours sitting in my car listening to music and talking. We've been inseparable ever since. I never felt much of a need to edit myself around Rob. I could be me, good and bad, and he accepted and liked me anyway. We genuinely liked being around each other. I wanted to spend all my time with him. He didn't have unrealistic expectations of me like so many people in my life at the time did - it was important to him that I was happy. So many people wanted me to make sure my behavior made them happy so naturally I was attracted to a person who wanted me to be nothing but myself.

Perhaps the most shocking realization of being with Rob was the the guy I thought I was so in love with years earlier? Not so much anymore. Unrequited love isn't really love, I discovered. It pales in comparison when you have someone who really loves you back. Not to mention I felt about a million times more for Rob than I had ever felt for anyone else. He quickly became the most important person in my life. A few months later when I needed a place to live he didn't hesitate to say "hey, move in with me!" which is a rather shocking amount of commitment for a 21 year old male.

Since then, we've lived in a lot of different places and been through a lot emotionally together. We've had in-law issues and job issues; money issues and housing issues. We've had a baby together and, last year, lost a baby together. We've had a life. Up and down, good and bad, high and low. For better and for worse. It's been really really wonderful.

Rob, I never knew anything about love before you. I'm so grateful to have spent the last decade of my life with you.

I love you.

10 Things I Love About "Lou"...

It is known only among family and one or two friends that Avery's nickname is "Lou". This nickname comes from Rob (who else!) and was given to Avery when she was just a few weeks old. It started out as Peanut, because she was so small when she was born and he expanded it to Peanut Lou, for whatever reason. Over time this shortened to simply "Lou" and has been her nickname ever since. She responds to Lou just as readily as she responds to Avery. When asked, she'll sometimes say that she has two names, Avery and Lou. We even briefly considered changing her middle name to Lou, but decided it wasn't worth the paperwork. So, in reaction to my last post about how she's currently driving me crazy bananas, I decided to focus on the good in my Avery, and so here are 10 things (in no particular order ) I love love love about my little Lou...

1. Her kindness. She's the little comforter, always there with a hug and a kiss and always there to share a toy or a snack.

2. Her sense of humor. Boy are the knock-knock jokes terrible, but that just makes them that much more funny.

3. Her love. She has so much love for us, it's just unbelievable. Both Rob and I get many hugs, kisses and I love you's every day. It's heartwarming.

4. Her toes. You've never seen such cute toes before!

5. Her smile. Dazzling!

6. Her willingness to help. I'm sure this will go away with adolescence, but for as long as I can remember she wants to help out with anything and everything. Except cleaning her own toys. Of course.

7. Her cheerful attitude. Never in a bad mood unless Mama won't give her something she really really wants. I find this refreshing, as I'm prone to darker moods myself.

8. Her love of learning. Yes, there are the zillion questions a day (today's questions so far have included what happens if your head falls off, what happens if you break a bone and how the cast is put on and comes off, the fact that turkey and chicken the grocery store were at one time real birds "gasp! that's so silly!") but damn she's smart!

9. Her sweet little voice!

10. The fact that's she's mine. I'm so very lucky to have this person in my life. She makes me happy and frustrated and crazy and excited every day. Most of all she makes me a better person.

What Nobody Tells You About Being a Mother

So here it is: Sometimes, being a mom sucks. Really really sucks. Sometimes I want to literally tear my hair out because my child drives me SO crazy. Especially these days. EVERYTHING is a battle. She doesn't want to eat whatever I cook for dinner. She doesn't want to clean up after herself. She's apparently lost all the manners I have painstakingly taught her. She never shuts up. If she's not talking she's singing nonstop. She argues. She cries in frustration.

Well, kid, so do I.

I know this is a phase. But MAN. I am BEAT. Who knew?! Who knew 4 would be 3 with a bigger vocabulary (in order to hurl better insults)? Oh, and she can read now, so there goes our ability to spell out our frustrations over her head. "Mama? What does 'sonofabitchwillsheevershutthehellup' mean?" Okay, I'm exaggerating. A little.

It's a good thing she's cute.


Love you, peanut!

Hello, My Lovely...

This is my new bread machine. My Lovely. My Precious. It was my Mother's Day gift this year. If you haven't looked at bread machines in a few years then you'll be happy to learn they've come a very long way. Gone are the days of bread machine mixes. I do believe they're still out there, but these days they are totally unnecessary. You can make any sort of bread you like and you know exactly what's going into it. Last night I took Avery to my parents house for dinner so Rob was on his own. SAHM/Wife guilt kicked in and I just knew that Rob would stop by some heinous fast food place for his own dinner on the way home if I didn't make something for him. I only had time for something simple so I decided to put together a rockin' salad full of organic veggie goodness and throw ingredients in the bread machine to make Italian Herb Bread. I set it to be ready right when I expected him to be home. Right on cue I got a text from Rob saying how awesome the bread smelled when he walked through the door. Ahhh, satisfaction. It sounds very old-school, but I love it when my family loves the food I make for them. I feel proud of myself that I've made something people really want to eat and I love that most of the time it's healthy as well.

So our evening ended up being very busy and Avery and I didn't get home until her bedtime. We had to do jammies, teeth, and all the other nighttime routine stuff. Rob and I both completely forgot about the bread and it ended up being left out on the counter all night. I woke up this morning, sighing when I saw it and scooped it up, prepared to dump it in the trash. I then momentarily thought about ripping it up and tossing it outside for the birds and squirrels. Then it hit me. Croutons! I've never made croutons in my life, but I know the best ones are made from tasty bread. Here I had a huge hunk of super-tasty Italian Herb bread that was only a little dried out - perfect crouton material! So I cubed it as best I could, tossed it with some olive oil, salt and pepper and threw it in a 350 degree oven for about 15 minutes or so, stirring every few minutes. Here is the result:

Aren't they gorgeous?! Seriously the best croutons I've ever had. So you see why I love my Precious. I get adoration from my husband and super tasty croutons.

So I leave you with this recipe for the Italian Herb Bread and encourage you to discover the bliss of owning your own bread machine:

Italian Herb Bread

1 1/4 C water
1 1/2 TBS extra-virgin olive oil
1 tsp sea salt
3 1/2 C bread flour (I recommend King Arthur)
2 tsp organic or turbinado sugar
1 TBS dried parsley
1/4 C freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp onion powder OR 2 tsp dried onion flakes
1 tsp dried basil
3/4 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp dry active yeast

Follow the manufacturer's instructions for adding ingredients to your machine and select the "french" bread setting.